It's not so much being sad, just a fucking hopeless feeling. Neverending. It's there when I wake up, and it's there when I drive home from work (work is a good distraction. plus I feel like I'm actually interacting with people in a fun and positive way).
So many things I need to do. Things I need to change about myself. I started going to the gym. I changed that. I quit sodas. Another thing changed. But there's something about my basic intuition that just stays happy doing the bare minimum. maybe it's because I got by so easily doing that in high school. I was ahead of the curve. But I don't feel ahead anymore. I just feel like apart of the masses now. No longer an outside kid, but an insider just wandering and trying to find the lock that fits that metaphorical key that represents my skills and abilities. I want a niche.
I want to cry. But I don't. I want to throw things and break my possessions when I get mildly aggravated by them. But I don't. It's not because I can't, but because I've reached the point where I realize what a useless gesture it would be and just a waste of my energy.
I have a headache. So I just keep drinking sake. I do weird things. I keep shaking up this organic vanilla milk because if I don't it settles and tastes goopy. Why did I buy a 6 pack of this shit? It tastes great when it comes from the case at work. Whatever, I guess I'm keeping my handjob muscles in good shape.
Fuck.
I'm about to be 26. I'm living at home (although I had my only place from 2006-2011 while I was doing school and work). I feel like I already failed at everything I was supposed to be and everything I was suppose to become. Maybe if if I had been more talented. Or if I had been more tenacious and really chased things. I could have done a lot of things.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
A.D.D. and How My Brain Never Shuts Up
Hello!
I haven't posted on the internet in a "journal" form in several years. It just seems fleeting and pointless. Whenever I later read the crap that consists of my stream of consciousness, I feel embarrassed for myself.
But lately I've been keeping a make shift inner-monologue that is becoming hard to keep up with.
Moving right along...
I was thinking about how my musical preferences have evolved. Kind of like riding a rollercoaster made from the spectrum of musical styles, I've gone from death metal all the way to folk. These are all genres of music that I still enjoy, to this day, but I use to go through phases where I would only listen to one group. For example, I listened to Nine Inch Nails for almost 8 months straight (even got to see them in concert!) and it was all I could tolerate because at that time in my life, I could relate to the music. I had an emotional connection to that type of atmosphere because I had experienced some traumatic shit that all seems completely trivial in retrospect. But during that time in my life, I was angsty and miserable and mad as hell and I found comfort in music. It's an escape for me. Like climbing into my own cave of comfy, warm tunes that make my spine tingle and take my mind to another universe for a while.
So that brings me to my next thought. Lately I've been listening to a lot of Dubstep (with a lot of other awesome electronic music mixed in. I'm currently listening to Talamak by Toro y Moi). I think it's because at this current moment in my life, I'm not really feeling my emotions as strongly as I use to. This is mostly likely due to hormones. I'm in my 20's now, and my teenage years were some hormonal years for sure. Trees help, too. So I think I'm more attracted to music that doesn't have too much of an emotional "claim" to it. Dubstep is more like ear-candy.
Next topic: can't get enough internet. it's not playing out well for my figure. I'm getting flabby. Pants don't fit, Shirts look horrible. I was never a very active person but my metabolism and my mom's awesome cooking kept me in pretty normal shape. I have zero clue about what to do as far as my health and diet. I go to the grocery store and my mind just blanks. I forget normal food and wander in an fog, overwhelmed by all the brands and colors and options. I don't know where to start as far as exercise... I always start up for like a week, then give out. I want to do something that shows me some results, but I'm just too impatient. I keep thinking about fighting classes, but my schedule may be too sporadic to accommodate a class, but that could just be brain trying to sabotage itself again.
I need to snap into gear. soon.
I haven't posted on the internet in a "journal" form in several years. It just seems fleeting and pointless. Whenever I later read the crap that consists of my stream of consciousness, I feel embarrassed for myself.
But lately I've been keeping a make shift inner-monologue that is becoming hard to keep up with.
Moving right along...
I was thinking about how my musical preferences have evolved. Kind of like riding a rollercoaster made from the spectrum of musical styles, I've gone from death metal all the way to folk. These are all genres of music that I still enjoy, to this day, but I use to go through phases where I would only listen to one group. For example, I listened to Nine Inch Nails for almost 8 months straight (even got to see them in concert!) and it was all I could tolerate because at that time in my life, I could relate to the music. I had an emotional connection to that type of atmosphere because I had experienced some traumatic shit that all seems completely trivial in retrospect. But during that time in my life, I was angsty and miserable and mad as hell and I found comfort in music. It's an escape for me. Like climbing into my own cave of comfy, warm tunes that make my spine tingle and take my mind to another universe for a while.
So that brings me to my next thought. Lately I've been listening to a lot of Dubstep (with a lot of other awesome electronic music mixed in. I'm currently listening to Talamak by Toro y Moi). I think it's because at this current moment in my life, I'm not really feeling my emotions as strongly as I use to. This is mostly likely due to hormones. I'm in my 20's now, and my teenage years were some hormonal years for sure. Trees help, too. So I think I'm more attracted to music that doesn't have too much of an emotional "claim" to it. Dubstep is more like ear-candy.
Next topic: can't get enough internet. it's not playing out well for my figure. I'm getting flabby. Pants don't fit, Shirts look horrible. I was never a very active person but my metabolism and my mom's awesome cooking kept me in pretty normal shape. I have zero clue about what to do as far as my health and diet. I go to the grocery store and my mind just blanks. I forget normal food and wander in an fog, overwhelmed by all the brands and colors and options. I don't know where to start as far as exercise... I always start up for like a week, then give out. I want to do something that shows me some results, but I'm just too impatient. I keep thinking about fighting classes, but my schedule may be too sporadic to accommodate a class, but that could just be brain trying to sabotage itself again.
I need to snap into gear. soon.
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