It's not so much being sad, just a fucking hopeless feeling. Neverending. It's there when I wake up, and it's there when I drive home from work (work is a good distraction. plus I feel like I'm actually interacting with people in a fun and positive way).
So many things I need to do. Things I need to change about myself. I started going to the gym. I changed that. I quit sodas. Another thing changed. But there's something about my basic intuition that just stays happy doing the bare minimum. maybe it's because I got by so easily doing that in high school. I was ahead of the curve. But I don't feel ahead anymore. I just feel like apart of the masses now. No longer an outside kid, but an insider just wandering and trying to find the lock that fits that metaphorical key that represents my skills and abilities. I want a niche.
I want to cry. But I don't. I want to throw things and break my possessions when I get mildly aggravated by them. But I don't. It's not because I can't, but because I've reached the point where I realize what a useless gesture it would be and just a waste of my energy.
I have a headache. So I just keep drinking sake. I do weird things. I keep shaking up this organic vanilla milk because if I don't it settles and tastes goopy. Why did I buy a 6 pack of this shit? It tastes great when it comes from the case at work. Whatever, I guess I'm keeping my handjob muscles in good shape.
Fuck.
I'm about to be 26. I'm living at home (although I had my only place from 2006-2011 while I was doing school and work). I feel like I already failed at everything I was supposed to be and everything I was suppose to become. Maybe if if I had been more talented. Or if I had been more tenacious and really chased things. I could have done a lot of things.
